No! Not a Sears Poncho!

Citizens, have you no shame? No dignity? No respect for the planet we share with giraffes, fireflies, and vampire ostriches? Our fellow citizens are dying by the dozen, and your own ignorance is complicit.

Biodiversity is everyone’s responsibility. You may not abdicate nor delegate this solemn duty – the Collective will not hear of it. (We respond only to email.) Therefore – an assignment!

Begin developing the following new organisms immediately and release them into the wild, that their novelty may spread like rumors of a celebrity’s unseemly acts. Let the gene pool of our too-strange planet grow ever stranger, ever deeper, ever more full of mayonnaise.

• The Porcusnake – part cobra, part porcupine, all deadly.
• The Scorpieagle - at last, death from above in time-delay!
• The Burro of Destiny – only its mother could love it, but its mother has the cold hard heart of a test tube.
• Poison Rhinos – trained to pose impossible moral conundra.
• Debra Messing – because one is simply not enough. Extinction looms, probably within this century.